


How Loki Stole Christmas

by neonheartbeat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Based on a Tumblr Post, Christmas Crack, Domestic Avengers, Gen, Holidays, Loki Tries His Hardest, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, that one time Loki got incredibly hammered and tried to ruin Christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonheartbeat/pseuds/neonheartbeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin. Based off a tumblr gifset and the resulting tagfic. Oops.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Loki Stole Christmas

The wind curled around the street corner, sweeping flurries of slow with it. A man turned the corner with the wind; he shoved his face into his high collar and kept walking.

He attracted a few looks from the other passersby—he was tall, and his black hair was sleek and smoothed back; his charcoal coat was expensive and well-made, and his black and green scarf looked as if it belonged in a museum.

The man stopped in front of a glass storefront window, peering through it. The display was all watches and women's jewelry, glittering and overpriced and flashy and gaudy. He frowned and focused on the sign that read _Christmas Sale—20% Off._

It had been almost three years since the attack on New York and a year since Thor had realized he was, in fact, alive after all—took the idiot long enough, Loki thought—for of course the man was Loki, in plainclothes (or his version of plainclothes, in any case), walking among humans like he was one of them.

Such a distasteful hobby.

Loki turned and looked across the street, seeing another sign for this Christmas. He looked at the city with a new interest, seeing the green and red garlands on doors and in front of shops, the lights strung on the edges of roofs.

It must be some sort of feast day for the mortals, he thought. Some festive holiday, some kind of—ah, Yuletide, of course it was—they were nearing the winter solstice.

He smirked and shoved his hands in his pockets, moving off down the street. Lurking in the shadows was so tiring, and it would be lovely to get a little excitement in his life again. He could use the exercise and the entertainment of outwitting SHIELD and Fury and every other idiotic mortal who dared try to stop him. Ha! He'd have his sweet revenge on the fools at last.

Loki turned into an alley and disappeared.

*

_"Sir, Director Fury of SHIELD is on the line."_

Tony Stark rolled over and shoved his face into Pepper's back. "Go away," he muttered.

JARVIS put him through. "Stark!" Nick Fury's voice blared through Tony's bedroom, and Tony jerked upright, silently vowing to change the voice recognition software on JARVIS to, you know, maybe not put him through to a call when he was half-awake and it was Christmas Eve of all things—

"What?" he croaked, and cleared his throat. "I mean, what?"

Fury sounded—was it tentative? Worried? "Stark, we've got a situation on 58th and Broadway. Get your ass outta bed and get to my office."

"It's Christmas Eve—"

"Which is why I need the Avengers to take care of this! I've been fielding calls from CNN, NBC—hell, even FOX called, and don't even mention the calls from the White House—"

Pepper was up, frantically throwing on her clothes. "Is it a security breach? Are we under attack?"

"I'll—I'll call Steve and Bruce—" Tony was throwing on his skintight undersuit, and Pepper automatically helped him zip it up, her motions fluid and used to it after months and months of practice.

"It's not a security breach that we know of. It's—" Tony could almost see Fury rubbing his temples—"it's ice cream."

Tony froze, his shoe halfway on his foot. "What?"

"Ice cream. The snow on Broadway's been turned to ice cream, and it's spreading down the intersection at 58th."

"Is this some kind of joke?" demanded Pepper.

"Unfortunately not. I have a pretty good idea of who's behind it, though. I'm going to call up Dr. Foster and have her send Thor over."

"Loki? Loki's behind this?" Toy cracked a grin. "Seriously? Guy can't even take over New York the first time around so he tries to—what? Go all Harry Potter on us?"

"Just—see if you can figure out what he's up to," said Fury. "I'm on the scene." His voice sounded strangely muffled. "It's definitely not poisonous."

"Are you—are you _eating it_?" asked Pepper.

"Miss Potts, I am the director of a top secret government agency and when a Norse trickster god turns my snow into ice cream I think I have the right to sample some mint chocolate chip if I damn well please," said Fury sternly. "Now tell that billionaire of yours to assemble his team."

*

Once everyone had been briefed, they decided not to use the Quinjet and instead caught the Metro to save gas. After all, it was Christmas. Steve and Tony signed about a billion autographs between them, while Bruce signed about thirty and most of those were from nervous-looking kids with thick glasses. Natasha and Clint sat at the opposite ends of the car, jackets over their uniforms, trying to look inconspicuous.

"This is my first day off in months, Natasha. _Months_ ," moaned Clint. "Unbelievable."

"Are you guys here about the cars?" asked one kid, about fifteen.

"What cars?" asked Tony. "We heard about ice cream, what are you talking about?"

"Uh, well, I don't know about any ice cream—this sounds crazy but some guy in leather is turning cars into giant blocks of coal." The kid rubbed his nose. "The homeless guys got a kick outta that—they broke 'em up and started burning it. Nice quality too, they said. Real shiny and black."

"Jesus," said Tony. Steve gave him a look. "I mean, shit. I mean, shoot."

"We'll look into it," said Steve to the kid, who sort of nodded casually and sat there quietly until the doors opened at the Times Square station.

They emerged into frigid, smoky air, and the sight that greeted their eyes was by far the weirdest thing they'd ever seen. And in three years of—Avenger-ing, or whatever, they'd seen some weird things.

There were car-shaped blocks of coal as far as the eye could see down Broadway, and people were gathered around every single one, breaking them apart. A guy in an Armani suit was shouting at some homeless kid who was breaking off what had been the side mirror of what looked like a Porchse.

"Fuck the system!" the kid yelled, flipping the bird and running off with his jacket full of coal.

"Holy cow," said Steve. "You wanna call this in, Stark?"

Tony was already on it, patching in to Fury through JARVIS. "We’ve got coal down here, Fury, are you still on 58th with the ice cream?"

"Affirmative. We tried to stop them, but a lot of passersby have been eating it. No adverse side effects so far." Fury sounded disgruntled; maybe someone had eaten the rest of his sample.

"Copy that. We'll head to you."

"Negative. Our target is moving south, by the looks of it. Stay on his tail."

"How are we supposed to—oh, you mean look out for weird shit and follow that. Okay." Tony heard Fury sigh, a crackle of static in his helmet. "We'll keep you updated."

Thunder boomed overhead and the God of Thunder himself landed with a crack on the pavement. "My friends!" he shouted joyously. Clint mimed losing his hearing and Natasha punched him. "It has been far too long since I went on an adventure with you!"

"Same, big guy. Nice to see you. How's the good doctor?" Tony shook Thor's hand. Thor beamed, and Tony got the sense he was trying to be as delicate as possibly with Tony's suit.

"Jane is in good health, thank you. Greetings, Lady Natasha. And greetings to you, Banner and Barton. Now. What is this I hear of my brother?"

"Uh, well, it seems to be mostly harmless pranks, but it's causing a bit of a stir, so Fury asked us to bring him in." Steve pointed down the road. "He's gone from 58th, up that way, down here, and we should probably get going if we want to catch him.

"Agreed!" Thor looked absolutely overjoyed at the words _harmless pranks_ , and Steve privately thought that Thor was probably way too hopeful about turning his brother around. "Let us give chase!"

They set off, Thor and Tony flying and everyone else on the ground. Bruce kept having to stop every few minutes to keep his heart rate from getting too high, and eventually just decided to stop around 49th and have hot chocolate at a cafe. They left him with a phone in case they needed to get the Hulk to knock some sense into Loki.

Natasha and Clint commandeered a car, and stuffed Steve in the backseat, driving behind their air surveillance. At Times Square, Tony yelled for them to stop and they all piled out of the car to see that every single screen on every building was displaying incredibly unflattering pictures of all the Avengers. People were laughing, pointing, taking pictures.

Thor started laughing too. "Is this not just like my brother? Look!" He pointed to an image of himself. In the picture Thor was clearly in the middle of talking and the wind was blowing his hair into his face. The resulting image was admittedly extremely amusing. "And you, Anthony—"

Tony glared daggers at the screen displaying him drunk and falling out of bed, one hand pointing at the camera. It had clearly been taken years ago, but it wasn't like that mattered. "Great. Bad PR. Just what we need. Yours is quality stuff, Captain Rogers—look who's here to save the American way—"

Steve tore his eyes away from a sixty-foot-tall picture of him with his eyes in mid-blink and his mouth awkwardly open and gave Tony a warning look.

"My butt is not that big," protested Clint. "Natasha, it's not. Is it?"

"I don't remember ever doing keg stands at a frat party," said Natasha, eying her own portrait.

"That's kinda the point of keg stands—"

"Guys, let's go. We have to find Loki." Tony snapped his faceplate down.

"Before he what? Ruins Christmas? I think everyone's having a good time," said Steve. And he was right; everyone was smiling and there wasn't a miserable face in sight.

"He probably thinks he's ruining Christmas—wait, is that it?" Clint turned and faced everyone, sudden epiphany shining out of his face. "Oh, my god. He's trying to come back and, like, freaking just ruin our holiday, but it's backfiring in his face—do you think he's realized it's backfired yet?"

"I would not advise you let my brother become aware of this," said Thor. "He may do something rash in order to impress upon us his power."

"Okay. Okay, so we track him down and pretend he's in a ton of trouble and take him to SHIELD and brief them. They can deal with it." Tony looked down toward 42nd. "Uh, I think something's happening down there."

"You think he's headed to Bryant Park? The library?" Natasha looked back towards the car.

"Yeah. Let's go."

*

Bryant Park was normally a clean, well-manicured lawn. However, as the Avengers crossed the street and stared up at a jungle, with climbing vines and dark, leafy vegetation that was completely out of place in New York in December, they realized something had gone awry, and that something was definitely Loki's handiwork.

"What are those things?" said Tony curiously, looking at the dark purple fruit that hung from the vines. Ahead of them, a man in a coat was clearly thinking the same thing—he reached up, plucked one, sniffed it, and took a bite out of it.

"Oh, crap," said Steve, but the man finished it off and tossed the core.

"It's just _skemta,_ " said Thor with a smile. "It grows in Alfheim. When you eat it, you become full of mirth. They're quite heady."

The man ahead of them pushed open the thick growth of vines and started laughing hysterically at absolutely nothing. Steve raised an eyebrow. "Well. That's…great, that it's not poisonous."

"Of course not." Thor looked a little hurt and started toward the wall of vegetation. "Come, friends; I will clear us a way and we will see what Loki has wrought."

Tony looked up as a raven fluttered into the tree above his head. "Shoo," he said irritably. "Unless, you know, you're one of Odin's crows. Any help here?" The raven, being a perfectly ordinary raven and therefore useless, lifted its tail and took a shit on Tony's helmet. "Aw, fuck," he said angrily, and threw a stick at the thing.

*

Half an hour, one perfectly tame tiger, three blocks of solid ice being used as a skating rink, five news crews, and one pee break later, they finally found Loki.

He was in an empty warehouse, sitting on a gigantic pile of candy wrappers and empty bottles of what was probably something very expensive, and he had chocolate smeared all over his face. "Ah-ha, Merry Christmas!" he cackled as they entered, weapons drawn. "You!" he yelled at Thor, and slid off his throne of crinkled foil. "You've come to do battle with me, have you?"

"Loki, you have caused a great disturbance in this city, and you—what are you doing?" asked Thor, as Loki swayed up to him and hiccupped angrily in his face.

"I'm…I'm _drinking_ , Thor, they have a thing called Everclear here, it's like…" His face contorted. "It's like drinking bilgesnipe piss but it's strong as seven hells, Thor, you've got to try it…"

"Is he drunk?" asked Tony incredulously.

"Oh yeah, he's _drunk_ ," said Natasha.

"It took you fools long enough to find me, what with my…clever…trickery, eh?" He tried to draw himself up to his full height but failed miserably. "I'm— _hic_ —the god of mischief…and…and by the Norns I shall de—det—destroy you all—"

Clint was heroically trying to keep from laughing. Steve stepped forward. "You'd better come quietly. We're taking you into custody."

"Oh-hoh-hoh, are you now," slurred Loki, and toppled sideways into Thor, one arm slung around his brother's neck. "Nnngh, go on then, taaake me into custody, let me ro—rot in a cell, izz been far too long sinz I've had a proper sleep anywayz."

Steve felt a bit of pity in his heart for Loki at that point, but tried not to let it get to him. "Okay. Come on."

Loki staggered toward Steve, held up his wrists, and managed to stay conscious long enough to hear the cuffs click around his wrists before passing out on Captain America's shoulder.

"We can't take him to SHIELD, look at him," said Clint mournfully.

Tony gave Clint an incredulous stare. "Clint. This _is_ the guy who hypnotized you, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. It's just—I bet he doesn’t get a real Christmas, either." Clint looked up at Tony. "You invited us all over because we didn't have anywhere else to go—no family or anything. Loki's as close to family as he's ever gonna get right now."

"Clint's right," said Natasha, shocking everyone. "Let's just take him back to Stark Tower and convince him he's under house arrest. It'll be fun." Her mouth quirked up in a half smile, which was a full smile for Natasha on a good day.

"Putting a crazy demigod in my house is not my idea of fun," said Tony.

"Do not call my brother such a name," said Thor sternly.

"He's dangerous!" protested Tony.

"So am I," growled Thor, and Tony could smell the ozone, how it gathered around Thor like an oncoming storm.

"All right, all right. We'll take a vote. All In favor of taking Loki home for Christmas, raise your hand." Four hands went up. "Steve!" wailed Tony in outrage.

"What? I just think a nice evening might do him good, okay?" Steve patted the unconscious god on the head. "You know, Christmas spirit and all that."

"I hate all of you." Tony walked outside, readying the suit for flight. "I'm going to cut your holiday bonus in half. No, in thirds. No, in quarters. And I'm going to sign us up for that PR stunt, the one where we all get auctioned off as dates to raise money for cancer research, _ha_! Bet you thought I forgot about that—"

"SHIELD's PR department is in charge of that, not you, Stark," said Steve, but he only sounded amused.

"Whatever. I'm going to pull some strings and mark my words, Rogers, you're getting auctioned off to a rich old widow named Edith with orthopedic shoes and ten cats."

"See you at the Tower," said Steve, brushing him off good-naturedly, as usual. Tony huffed and fired up the suit.

*

Thor ended up carrying Loki to the stolen car, and Steve volunteered to sit in the back with them while Natasha and Clint took the front again.

The ride home was much longer than it should have been. Everything Loki had conjured was gone, and news crews were everywhere. They managed to cut around most of the melee. Miraculously, Loki remained out cold until they reached the Tower and got him into a spare bedroom to sleep it off.

*

Loki's head felt like something was trying to claw its way out with fire and destruction, and he groaned, stirring in bed—

Wait. Bed? Why was he in a bed?

The door slid open and Agent Romanoff stepped in, her eyes narrowed. "Good evening."

"Whatever you've come here to say, Agent, make it short and quiet," he growled, sitting up and rubbing his temples with his fingers. "I've got a splitting headache."

Natasha made no effort to lower her voice. "You're in Stark Tower. By order of SHIELD you have been placed under house arrest here for twenty-four hours, after which time you will be free to go wherever you please." She held up the most garish piece of knitwork Loki had ever seen in his life. "Also, you have to wear this…tracking sweater for the duration of your stay here."

"Tracking sweater?" said Loki.

"What, you've never heard of one?" She turned it around and showed him the front. It had a symbol of an evergreen tree sewn on the breast and the tree was covered in real, small bells that jingled as she shook it to demonstrate. "We'll know wherever you are in the Tower."

"You intend to tag me like a housecat?" he spat. "I will not stand for this."

"Should have thought of that before you completely ruined everyone's Christmas," she said. "Now take off your armor and put it on."

Loki glared at her, but he stripped to his undershirt and wriggled into the sweater. It was far too itchy for comfort, but it was rather warm. "All right, it's on."

"Good. Now follow me. Dinner's almost ready." He didn't dare argue, and followed her meekly down the hall and into the elevator, bells jangling with every step.

In the main room, every single Avenger except for Steve Rogers was gathered around a table laden with food (the smell made Loki's mouth water) and a tree was set up in the corner. Tony Stark was wearing a bright green apron and wielding a large fork. "Just in time for the ham," he said to Natasha. "Hey there, Grinch."

"I assume you're referring to me, although I have no idea what you mean by such a name," said Loki acidly.

Natasha gave Tony a look that could have frozen Mexico. Tony shrugged. "It's the name of a terrifying beast that, uh, once completely destroyed Christmas. Took us years to recover. And he was green. Thor! Look who's here!"

Thor appeared from behind the counter, his hair pulled back and his entire frame practically bursting out of a red T-shirt, with a huge tray of pies. "Anthony! Brother!" His face split into a huge grin. "It is good to see you!"

Loki snarled in Thor's general direction and slunk off into the corner, perching on a barstool and watching everyone with narrowed eyes. Clint Barton gave him a look, and he sneered right back. Bruce Banner entered with a mug of tea and gave Loki a nod, but didn't pay him much heed otherwise. Which was perfectly fine with Loki.

The elevator door slid open, and Steve Rogers stepped in, bearing about a hundred bags and _wearing a Christmas sweater_. Loki jumped off his stool. "Why is he wearing a tracking sweater?" he snapped suspiciously, pointing at Steve. "Surely the great Captain America committed no crime like mine?"

Everyone froze. "Steve!" snapped Natasha, who jumped guiltily. "You're in violation of SHIELD protocol Delta 70420, what in the world are you doing wearing _that_?"

"Uh," said Steve, and caught on. "Crap, I'm sorry, it must have been sent over from SHIELD on accident with my regular clothes, get it off me, quick!"

Natasha stomped over and made a huge show out of removing the sweater from Steve's person, leaving him in a checkered flannel shirt. "I'm going to dispose of this, and I'm going to have to make a report." She gave them all an angry glare before stalking out of the room, holding the sweater between two fingers as though it was a grenade.

"What in the Tree is this thing going to do to me?" spat Loki, poking at his own chest.

"Nothing, as long as you don't leave the tower before your 24-hour period is up," said Steve.

Outside, there was a muffled explosion. Loki got very quiet and still.

Natasha came back in with a sooty face and a sour expression. "Well, that's that," she said.

Clint sighed. "Man, those things cost SHIELD like, a million bucks to make."

"Your people are barbarians," said Loki, white and barely moving his lips.

"Come, let us feast!" said Thor.

Everyone grabbed a plate and Thor ended up eating about half the ham. Loki went back for seconds on everything sweet and even tried the fruitcake.

"How did you blow up my sweater?" Steve asked Natasha as she sipped coffee in the kitchen, out of earshot of Loki.

"You'd be surprised what my Widow's Bites are used for." She grinned at him. "Also, way to catch on."

"Delta 70420?" Steve chuckled. "You and Clint's strike team call sign and my birthday. Clever."

"Presents!" shouted Clint from the living room. "It's Christmas Eve so we all get to open one present, that's how it works, don't argue with me, Tony."

"Oh, fine, if you really have to—"

"I agree with Barton!" said Thor. "Loki, what think you?"

"It's not like my opinion matters," said Loki, a little flushed from all the food and excitement. "It's not like I have any to open."

"What? No, dude, we got you some. Here." Clint pushed a pile of gifts, all wrapped in bright paper, toward Loki. "These are from me, and Natasha, and Steve, and Tony, and Thor, and Bruce, and even Pepper." He tapped each one, reading out the gift tag. "Pick one!"

Loki stared at him as though he'd grown antlers. "Why on earth would you give me gifts?"

"Because it's Christmas, and you give everyone gifts on Christmas," said Clint. "Even demigods. Even demigods who are dead-set on ruining it for everyone."

Loki stayed quiet for a while as he looked at the presents. "I suppose—I suppose I'll open yours, then," he said.

Thor looked hurt. "Why do you not open mine, brother?"

"I'm not your brother," snapped Loki. "And I shall open whichever gift it pleases me to open."

Clint grinned and passed Loki his gift. Loki unwrapped it and pulled out a small box, and in the box was a set of gleaming throwing knives made of Damascus steel with thin, curved handles, sharp as glass. "They've been balanced to a fraction of an ounce, and they stick in everything. Do you like them?"

"Oh, _Barton_ ," said Loki, and Clint was about a hundred percent sure he could see tears in Loki's eyes. He hefted one and balanced it on one long white finger, and then he flipped it around between his fingers blindingly fast. Clint was positive he was going to lose a digit, but then Loki hurled it across the room in one fluid movement and it stuck into a crack between two panels in the wall with a thwack.

"Hey," said Tony disapprovingly.

"They're _perfect_ ," said Loki, and before Clint knew what was happening he was being crushed in a tight embrace that smelled of leather and pine.

"Oh. Uh, yeah. You're welcome." He awkwardly returned the hug. "Wait till you see what the rest of them got you."

Bruce sat down on the floor. "Okay, come on, everyone. Pick a gift."

Tony grabbed his present from Pepper, and immediately wished he hadn’t. It was a pair of boxer shorts, silk and screen-printed with Iron Man in repeating patterns. Steve guffawed. "You shut up," he told Steve. "I dare you to open yours from me. I double dare you."

Steve opened his, and went beet red to the ears. It was a complete replica of his old Captain America suit, the one he'd worn to shows across America. "Where did you even find this?" he asked Tony.

"The Internet is an amazing place, my friend," said Tony. "I like the little wings."

"Don't talk to me about the wings," said Steve.

"Thor's are much bigger," said Loki with a leer.

"Indeed they are!" said Thor, missing the joke.

Bruce opened his gift from Natasha (tea from India) and Natasha opened her gift from Steve (a very warm and very expensive winter coat). Clint got a collection of socks with birds all over them from Bruce, and he groaned and flopped onto his back as Bruce chuckled.

Pepper showed up at the last minute ("I've been at SHIELD HQ all day fielding questions about our situation and you didn’t even save me any stuffing?") and opened her present from Thor. It was a silk wrap from Asgard in deep ocean colors, embroidered in gold. She almost cried and hugged Thor for a solid three minutes.

It was only after everyone had gone to bed that Loki, lying in his room, realized he had not a single present for any of them, and tried not to let it bother him too much. It wasn't like he could leave and go back, not since he might be blown apart by the damned sweater.

But—hmm. He rolled over and thought hard. Opening a portal in space to reach and retrieve certain things would be easy, and certainly he would never leave the tower while doing it.

Loki let green magic spark between his hands, and smiled as his hand disappeared into a tear of elemental fire, a rift between worlds.

*

"Rise and shine, it's Christmas morning!" shouted Steve, and Clint came bounding down the stairs as if he'd never slept, ready to tear into the pile of gifts.

Bruce emerged, sleepy and smiling, and Thor appeared, and gradually everyone gathered in the living room—except Loki.

"Now where's he gone?" said Tony.

"Should we start without him?" asked Pepper.

"No, he's probably just—"

Loki staggered out of his bedroom, carrying a pile of oddly shaped packages and boxes wrapped in thin cloth and tied with cord. "And a good morning to you," he said smoothly, and set down the pile of presents on the floor by the tree.

"What's all this?" asked Steve, bemused.

"Presents, Captain. Is it not the custom?" Loki stepped back, looking very pleased with himself. "I believe I got one for everyone. Now, shall we begin?"

Tony exchanged an incredulous look with Natasha, and every single person in the room went for Loki's gifts.

"It's not going to be a dead snake or something, is it?" asked Clint dubiously, shaking a package marked _Agent Barton_ on a parchment tag in spidery, perfect handwriting.

"Of course not," said Loki, looking offended. "But if you continue to shake it, it may become damaged."

Clint opened his present. It was a leather archery glove, and it fit his hand perfectly. "Hey!" he said, beaming. "Thanks, Loki!"

Tony was opening his as well, finding a stone box about the size of his hands. Inside rested a triad of smooth gray stones with a pearly sheen. "What are these?" he asked.

"Healing stones. Hold one to a wound and they disintegrate after use. Don't waste them on something non-life threatening, Stark."

On the couch, Natasha was opening a very thin, long package, and she eventually drew out a thin, long scabbard, and inside was a blade the width of her finger.

"Ah, that—that retracts for simple carrying." Loki scrambled across to show her. "See, the button here—"

The whole blade retracted, segment by segment, into the handle with a _snick-snick_ noise and Natasha smiled. "That's going to come in handy. Thank you very much."

Bruce opened his—it was a pile of roots and stems and leaves that Loki explained were from Vanaheim and, steeped in tea, induced calm and tranquility. Bruce peered at them through his glasses and thanked Loki with a grin.

Steve got a pair of leather gloves enchanted to cushion against heavy impact. He put them on instantly and refused to take them off.

Pepper got a golden wrist-cuff set with a very large ocean-colored opal to match Thor's gift, and she ooh-ed and aah-ed over it and then insisted on giving Loki a hug.

Loki didn’t even bat an eyelash as he embraced her with a real smile. He couldn't even pretend at being nasty—not when he was so unused to being liked for once that he couldn't help but enjoy himself. He looked like a cat being petted from eight sides at once. If he had grown ears and a tail and started purring, Tony wouldn't have blinked.

"What about me, brother? Have you a gift for me?" asked Thor.

The atmosphere in the room went sour. Loki glared at his brother. "First of all, I'm not your brother. Second of all, I can think of nothing in the Nine Realms I could give you that you could not get for yourself."

"Oh," said Thor sadly.

Loki waited another second, and then pulled a lumpy package out from behind his back. "Ta-da," he said dryly. "You have got to be the most gullible fool in the known universe."

"I knew it!" shouted Thor. "Ha! You trickster!"

"Oh, go on and open it," Loki said, and Thor unwrapped a gold and black leather belt with a fitting to hold Mjolnir. "There. Now you need not only have one hand in use when you carry that thing into battle."

Thor beamed and picked his brother up off the floor. "Thank you, Loki!"

"All right, all right, put me down." Loki couldn't even try to be sour about it, he was so pleased at the attention.

Everyone else tore their various presents open, and then everyone ate the leftovers from the night before. Thor had brought a store's worth of Christmas crackers with him from London, and pretty soon every single Avengers plus Pepper and Loki were wearing ridiculous-looking paper crowns in various colors. Clint had three, all stacked on his head precariously, and slightly drunkenly declared himself the King of Christmas. Bruce sipped his brand-new tea, completely serene and normal-looking, bar the blue paper crown on his curly head.

Steve and Tony delegated Thor to clean-up duty—he had been dubbed God of the Kitchen by Tony due to his strange affinity with all things electric. Steve was about 90% sure that sometime in the past week the oven, the toaster, and the coffee machine had gained a spark of sentience.

"Okay, Loki, you can take the sweater off now," said Natasha at 3 PM, and helped him wriggle out of it from where he was sitting like a king on a pile of wrapping paper and presents. "Go shower."

He glided off and Thor sighed. "I hope he returns and does not disappear. Do you think misleading him was a mistake?"

"I think he'll be a good sport about it," said Steve.

Thor frowned. "I hope so, Steven." The coffeemaker beeped a worried little staccato, and Thor patted it.

Loki came back in a while later, dressed in casual clothes, carrying the sweater over his arm, and wordlessly handed it to Natasha. "Am I free to go, Agent Romanoff?" he asked.

"You are. Also, just so you're aware, SHIELD has absolutely no knowledge that you were in Stark Tower, and the worst thing we're dealing with is complaints from every chocolate shop in Brooklyn about missing merchandise."

Loki stared at her. The room went dead silent. Thor readied himself to call Mjolnir if needed.

"Also, Fury sent a memo asking you for some more mint chocolate chip ice cream, if it's not too much trouble. It was, and I quote 'delicious, and that man may be off his rocker but he has goddamn talent when it comes to ice cream'."

Loki sat down on the nearest chair, which was, unfortunately, already occupied by Clint Barton. "You mean to tell me that all this time you were tricking me?" he snapped.

"Mmfghgsdhf—mffph," said Clint.

"And here you were thinking we couldn't trick a trickster," said Tony.

"But why? To what end?" Loki looked like he might cry.

"Because we wanted you to—to have a nice time with someone for once, and because you were trying so hard to ruin everyone's holiday." Steve put a hand on Loki's shoulder. "So we just humored you, Loki. We didn't want to upset you."

Loki excused himself hurriedly and went to his room. Natasha swore she heard sniffling but no one was brave enough to go check. After a few minutes he emerged, nose red, and wrote out a quick memo on Tony's computer to be given to SHIELD. Then he gathered up all his presents, gave Pepper and Natasha a polite kiss on the hand goodbye, opened a rift through space, and disappeared into it.

"Merry Christmas to you too," muttered Tony.

*

 

 

S.H.I.E.L.D

STRATEGIC HOMELAND INTERVENTION, ENFORCEMENT AND LOGISTICS DIVISION

CONSULTANT SERVICES

Date: 25 December 20-

FROM THE DESK OF TONY STARK

MEMORANDUM

RE: APOLOGIES

 

I would like to extend my apologies toward SHIELD and all personnel thereof, the group known as the Avengers, and the assorted law enforcement, fire departments, etc. who had to deal with the mayhem caused by myself on 24 December of the year stated above. I am aware that my attempts to thwart the holiday known as Christmas were not in the least effective and instead simply bothersome.

That being said, I would like to state that I will not attempt any other similar attacks during the holiday of Christmas. I would also like to request that should I choose to dwell in Stark Tower for the duration of said holiday at any point in the future, SHIELD or any emissaries or representatives thereof will leave me in peace and not engage in any of the following:

  * Attempt to detain me
  * Attempt to kill me
  * Attempt to verbally or physically engage me in any manner whatsoever
  * Attempt to track my whereabouts
  * Refer to me as "the Grinch" (yes, I understand the reference in full)
  * Refer to me by any other similar ridiculous holiday-themed appellations



This list may be edited at any time by me. Should any unfortunate agent attempt any of the above on the designated day, they will be met with bodily injury.

Loki Laufeyson

Prince of Asgard, God of Mischief, etc.

PS: As a token of my goodwill I am sending a box of ice cream to Director Fury—mint chocolate chip, as per his request. It is in my room at Stark Tower. Miss Potts will be happy to assist you. Merry Christmas.


End file.
